The day I met the Doctor's wife
by the dread pirate buttercup
Summary: Various future companions of the Doctor give an exclusive retelling of the day they met the elusive gun-toting enigma
1. Jemima Dominczyk

**Jemima Dominczyk**

We were running around Ancient Persia. That's all I know. It wasn't meant to be Persia, of any description. The most Persia I expecting was a Persian rug, or a Persian cat, but I wasn't really expecting these either. I know Ancient Persia is a big place, and was around for a long time, but I can't do better than that. I'm sorry. If you want more detail in that regard, you'd better ask the Doctor, but I doubt he'll know.

So, we were in Persia, and, guess what? We'd upset someone. Again. So we were running. Again. And I really needed to pee. AGAIN.

I ALWAYS need to pee in these situations. I should really see a doctor about it (_haha_ Oh the irony. If it weren't for The Doctor, I would never _be _in these situations.) It doesn't matter if I take on zero fluids, and go before we leave – one whiff of danger and I'm looking for that little lady sign, and there's _never_ one to be found.

Somehow the Doctor and I got separated in the chase. I'm not usually one to complain if lots of muscular men are clamouring for my attention, but something about their armour and warlike expressions indicated to me they didn't just want to buy me a drink.

I was hiding behind a stone wall, crouching down attempting to get my breath back and definitely not thinking about how badly I needed to pee. Contrary to popular belief, thuggish types are not necessarily thick, and they had regrouped the other side of my wall to work out what to do. I could hear the guy in charge organising the others into smaller groups, so they could cover a wider area. It wouldn't be long before I was spotted.

Background information time! Ancient Persians had a load of gods. One of them was called Ardvi Sura Anahita, (catchy, I know. Took me an age to get it right.) and she was the goddess of the waters and the cosmic ocean. She was regarded as the source of life and was big on fertility and survival. She's not exactly meant to be physically unattractive either, but they never are. Anahita's vehicle of choice is a chariot pulled by four horses (Wind, Rain, Cloud and Sleet. Her permanent residence is in Scotland (that last bit was a joke. No goddesses live in Scotland. If you were a goddess, would you choose to live in Scotland? I don't think so.))

Can you see where this is going?

Knock me down and run me over, would you believe it? You'll never guess what drove into my field at that moment. A chariot pulled by four horses (Wind, Rain, Cloud and Sleet) with a tall, noble, strong women wearing a gold embroidered mantle, golden earrings and a necklace, carrying a bunch of twigs? You got in one. How did you guess?

Bearing in mind that I was still sitting in a field at this point with no idea who this crazy lady was, or who she was meant to be, I was a little bewildered. In my bewilderment I accidently gave away my hiding place by shouting out a lot of words I shall not repeat, and consequently was hauled over the wall by fella smart enough to grab me, even though one of his goddesses had just shown up. I had to admire his presence of mind.

So, 'Anahita' pulls up in her chariot and has a right go at the soldiers (we are all on our knees at this point.) and demonstrates general threatening behaviour. She demands that I am released and that they desist in the persecution of myself and the Doctor, wherever he may be. No kidding. She really used the words desist and persecution.

And they listen! They let me go, and I am released into the clutches of a nutter with sword. I don't know if Anahita's meant to have a sword, but I bet it's not a roman one. This is about the point when one of the guys realises that Wind, Rain, Cloud and Sleet all look remarkably like _his _horses. 'Anahita' indicates this is bit where I jump on the chariot and we run away (or rather, the horses do).

We somehow managed to locate the TARDIS. I had only got past the 'who are you?' (and got a description of her bloody _character_, as if we were at a fancy dress party and I didn't know who she was. This how how I know she was Anahita. Didn't quite catch the bit about the twigs though), when our local friendly mob started pounding on the doors.

She didn't seem worried though, unlike me. Apparently anything that can make it through the time vortex intact is not going to be kicked in by a few drunks. I felt like pointing out they weren't drunk and there were more than a _few, _but then the phone rang.

It was the Doctor. She answered it, but she stuck it on speaker. He asked if we were okay, and that he'd seen us pass on our chariot from the rooftop where he was perched. (We didn't ask why he was on a rooftop. Seemed better not to.) He was still okay for now, on his rooftop, but unfortunately the entire building was now surrounded, and he would really appreciate it if River could come and pick him up.

The rest was all rather uneventful. We picked him up, and I got a few more answers and introductions. I went to the toilet. Got a few less answers (to questions like 'where did you get a _roman _sword from?'). Honestly, nothing surprised me. I was beyond surprise. Anyone who stole a chariot and pretended to be a Persian goddess seemed right up the Doctor's street in my view. I said as much, and he seemed rather offended by it. It's true though. The man stole a time-machine and wears tweed. He can't complain about a chariot and a mantle.

**Jemima died. We do not know how, why or when. She suddenly disappears off records. The Doctor never made any allusion to her, or to any of the adventures he shared with her afterwards. The only thing we know is her disappearance coincided with the Doctor's deep, sudden, unexplained hatred of werther's originals.**


	2. Hinnah Sarfraz

**Hinnah Sarfraz**

**Hinnah sadly died shortly after meeting the Doctor's wife. She never made a record of her own view of the experience. This recount is the result of the CCTV footage from both the TARDIS and Stormcage. The latter was even harder to come by than normal high security prison CCTV footage, because at the time the cameras weren't actually feeding back information to the security room. The Doctor had blocked the signal. Despite these obstacles, I have pushed on because I believe Hinnah's story to be particularly unique, and deserves to be told.**

Hinnah was holding the railings around the edge of the glass platform in anticipation. They had had mysterious summons before, but this one was different. Even the Doctor was more excited than usual, but apparently it wasn't such a mystery to him.

"So" she said, in-between the throws of the TARDIS reeling through the time-vortex. There was an art to conversation on the in-flight TARDIS. "who sent the message? I know you know."

"Huh? How?"

"'Hello sweetie' is a bit of a give-away. And you keep checking your reflection in the wing-mirror. I'd always wondered what it was for." The last bit was said more to herself.

The Doctor looked her in the eye briefly and grinned. "You remember how Winston asked if you were the notorious Mrs Doctor?"

It took a moment for Hinnah to connect Winston to Churchill, and to recall the moment he mentioned. She laughed "Yes. And we were horrified."

"Well, he wasn't particularly asking if we were married." The TARDIS rocked again, sending them both temporarily off balance. "More from the angle of if you were the woman I did marry."

"You're married?" The TARDIS began her landing sequence.

"Why does this surprise everyone?" the Doctor muttered, but Hinnah didn't appear to hear. He ran over the doors and, before opening them, turned back round to face her. She was one of those happy, bubbly people, and was wearing a beaming childlike grin. "Hinnah, allow me to introduce my wife." He opened the doors.

….

"Hello honey, I'm home"

"What time do you call this? They've not even served dinner yet."

"If you want we can come back later"

"I'm sure I'll survive. Maybe they'll give me a doggy bag?"

"You should relish the fact I'm early. Doesn't happen every day darling."

"You could be extremely late. When were you aiming for?"

"About now." And he kissed her. He had through-out this conversation disabled the cameras, unlocked her cell, and stuck a post-it note to the wall reading 'She'll be back soon. Don't wait up.'

Hinnah, meanwhile, was pulling a lot of weird faces as she tried to realign the thoughts in her head. When she spoke, her voice had a vaguely strangled quality to it. "Doctor Song?"

The Doctor looked at Hinnah in bemusement. "How'd you know that? Wait a minute" he returned his attention to River "Do you know how she knows that?" River smirked. The Doctor read that as 'yes'.

"She taught my archaeology module for a semester."

"What? When?"

"Third year"

"But you took a Chemistry degree."

"I took archaeology as one of my electives. You get 10 credits to study a module from a different course that takes your fancy. I took art in my 2nd year…".

River coughed. "Could we continue this conversation on the TARDIS? They'll be coming around with dinner soon."

….

"This is weird." Stated Hinnah, as she watched River fly the TARDIS. "I mean, it's like when you're a little kid and you see your primary school teacher in the supermarket. You don't think of them as living in the rest of the world like everyone else. You just assume they, I don't know, live at school or something."

"You thought I lived in the university?"

"No, but I thought you a normal 21st century archaeologist who worked at the university part time. Not the notorious wife of a gallivanting, time-travelling alien, in a high security prison in the 51st century."

"You'll notice she left out the bit about being psychopathically trained, part time-lord, and pretty nifty with a gun." Chirped the Doctor "Nifty. I Like that. Nifty"

"What?"

"Long story. Let's just say I didn't end up in Stormcage by accident."

"I was meaning the 'nifty'."

The Doctor interrupted again "One thing that does interest me though, River," and he tapped her on the nose "is what you were doing in the 21st century teaching archaeology in the first place."

"Spoilers, sweetie"

"That's got to be a record. We've lasted 12 whole minutes without either of us having to use that word."

"We're here." Was the only reply River gave.

"Where's here?"

"The Galapagos islands. Official gateway to Atlantis. I got a phone-call from Elvis about some unusual new neighbours. They claim they're just a different type of mermaid, but he's not so sure. I said we'd check it out" She smiled and skipped out the TARDIS doors. The Doctor was all for following, but he stopped when Hinnah spoke

"You know what though?"

"What?"

"Those lectures all make sense now."


	3. Freddy Owens

**Freddy Owens – age 5(½) **

Well, I can't remember the very first time. I was really little then. Fairy has always been there. I used to be scared, but Mummy and Daddy told me not to be. Cinderella wasn't frightened of her fairy godmother.

Alfie says I'm silly. He says fairies are for girls, but that's not fair. Why should girls get fairies and boys don't? Fairy agrees with me. She says big brothers are silly.

Fairy comes at night, out my cupboard. Mrs Tilly said monsters live in cupboards and I told her I had a fairy in mine and she said that was nice because most people had monsters. I told her that made sense because Fairy fights monsters in the day and she asked me how I know and I said because Fairy told me so.

Fairy doesn't have wings. Emily-next-door says that she can't be a fairy if she doesn't have wings, but Emily has not ever seen a real fairy. Fairy doesn't need wings to fly. She has a magic box, but it's a fairy secret so I can't see it, but she says I might be a fairy one day if I'm good. If I'm really good I will get a magic wand. Fairy sometimes has her wand. She shows it to me. When she does magic it makes a funny noise and is green at the end. The wand is my favourite.

But Fairy tells me stories most. She tells me Doctor stories. Daddy tells me Doctor stories, but Fairy's are better. And she sings to me and watches me. Sometimes she comes when I'm sleeping. Sometimes she cries. She says she cries because she wants to be with me in the days, and I say she can, but she has to go back to the cupboard to fight monsters. If she stayed with me they'd find me too.

When I look in my cupboard in daytime, I can't see Fairy, or monsters.

**Freddy grew up with stories about the Doctor, and he did eventually meet him one day. He met his wife as well, and after a while made the connection between her and she who he affectionately termed his 'fairy godmother' **


	4. Roberta 'bobby' di Angelo

**Roberta "Bobby" di Angelo (though the Doctor has been known to call her 'Bob')**

The crazy woman kidnapped me. Yes, KIDNAPPED me, just to get his attention. There I was, minding my own business, doing a little bit of shopping in a Romany fair. Next thing I know there's a bag over my head.

"It is possible for you to stop squawking di Angelo? Ever?" Well excuse me for not meekly accepting my fate as a hostage.

By the time the bag was removed, I had been transported to a lovely little castle. It was, naturally, about as comfortable as abandoned 11th century French castles get.

I sat there for an hour, waiting for him to 'rescue' me. I _tried _to make conversation, honestly. It's wasn't my fault the company was somewhat lacking.

I don't know what he sees in her. He could have any woman in the universe, and he chooses that smarmy obnoxious brat. She's not even that pretty, and she's definitely not going to see forty again. So maybe I snorted when she told me what she was doing - 'I'm just borrowing you until my hopeless husband comes and gets you back – and while he's at it he can look at these ruins that I've been trying to tell him about for _days_.' The idea that the Doctor was _her _husband (and there was no other way of interpreting that statement) was utterly ridiculous.

I mean, as if the Doctor was going to have a wife _I didn't know about_! Why had I not met her before then? Why had I never even _heard_ of her? I threw these in her face, and she just looked relieved!

"Thank goodness!" says she. "I thought this day would never come!" says she.

Bitch. _Now_ I know that she couldn't wait to be shot of me. My first meeting, her last. Also explains my treatment as a kidnapee. Not that she hurt me, or harmed me in anyway, but she wasn't the most _hospitable_ of kidnappers.

So I had wonderful afternoon tied to a chair whilst she played snake II, exchanging occasional acidic remarks. I made the mistake of threatening her, telling her that the Doctor wasn't a man to cross, and that kidnapping his best friend was very dangerous. Patronising woman gagged me after that, but I was pleased I'd hit a nerve.

And all this in aid of getting his attention! _She_ claimed that she had tried the usual methods, but they weren't working as quickly as she liked. I couldn't point out that _maybe_ this was because he had more _important_ things to worry about, because I was still sporting the gag.

Eventually the Doctor _did_ show up. If my own personal wellbeing hadn't been on the sacrificial stone, I would have wished him never to show up, just to spite her. He didn't approve of _her_ actions, but she just smiled at him and fluttered her eyelashes, so he just looked at her in a disapproving way. And this is the man known as the Oncoming Storm! Huh!

Then of course, she wanted to show him these old ruins, which if you ask me were a waste of time. Okay, the treasure was nice, and we did prevent France being taken over by some forgotten cult but _still_. She didn't need us to do it. We were just there to clap and admire how well she handled it all.

Grrr. She was just so _smug_! If she hadn't been a psychopathic assassin I swear I would have throttled her. And she knew it, which just made her even more obnoxious.

Okay, breathe, Bobby, breathe. Deep breaths. Rant over. I don't want to talk to her anymore thanks, That woman gets under my skin.

**Bobby was a lovely person. Their relationship was just an example of an unfortunate paradox. Bobby and River shared a long and mutual antipathy towards each other. Much of their time together was spent insulting each other and in a battle of one-up-man ship. The Doctor was completely bewildered, and was threatened by both parties any time he attempted to reconcile them. For his sake, the two women never directly tried to kill each other. There were even occasions (shock horror) when they saved each other's lives, but of course, neither will ever admit to it.**

**Bobby eventually joined UNIT and lived to the age of 48. She married and had two children, before dying in a civilian car crash because she wasn't wearing her seat belt. **


	5. Claudia Fitzpatrick

**Claudia Fitzpatrick**

Okay, I'm not gonna lie. I was surprised. Course I was. If a time-travelling alien tells yer he's the last of his species, yer do not expect him to have a wife wandering around the universe. 'specially this particular time-travelling alien. He's just so… childish.

Anyways, I'd been on the TARDIS for about 3 months (the only way I know this is down to me root growth). He had left me to do what he called 'human-stuff' – yer know, sleep, shower, eat vegetables – and he'd gone off to have a little chat with George Bernard Shaw. Wasn't really that interested, so I didn't care.

I walk into the empty control room in me jammies, right, and like I said, it's empty. So I goes to the control deck and take a little look at the monitor, and I'm finking, this ent George Bernard Shaw coz it's bleeding Paris. Don't fink much of it coz hey let's face it, accuracy ent his strongest point. I goes an' makes meself a cuppa, and when I come back the Doctor's doing his little dance around the console. Perfectly innocent-like, I goes "How was George Bernard Shaw?"

Now he jumps round and looks guilty. And not just guilty, but embarrassed guilty - not coz he got the date wrong but coz he's wearing lipstick on his chin and neck. Normally, from that distance a person wouldn't notice, but I practically have a GCSE in that kinda fing. For example; our head teacher was married to a maths teacher, but they were both having affairs with different members of the PE staff. Analysis of anyone's life on the estate was the gossip that went with the fag before school. Me and 'Leisha? We were masters in the art of observation.

Anyways, he gives a very vague boring answer about his chat with George Bernard Shaw with no mention of any 'more interesting encounters'. I let it drop and forget about it for a total of five days. I come 'on' in this period, and it's a real bad one. Normally, yer gulp yer paracetamol and carry on as normal. Normal does not include stuff like being mistaken for Athena when yer land in the middle (and I mean literally the middle) of the Ancient Olympic Games, so I generally take a break from adventuring. Doctor, bless his hearts, doesn't really get why, which is weird considering all the female companions he's had…

So I'm clutching me hot water bottle and Horlicks watching space telly, but the hot water bottle's gone cold, so I go and re-heat it. I'm going through the console room on me way to the kitchen (only place I can guarantee there'll be a kettle) and the Doctor walks through the doors dressed up proper dapper and tries to pick up the sequined clutch sitting on the jump seat without me noticing. He fails, obviously. He's gone again by the time me bottle's hot again, but I stick me head out the doors and he's parked in a real swanky restaurant. Don't see him until much later when he's back in the tweed, but I can still smell the perfume.

Now the perfume's important, see, coz it's the only way I know it's the same woman. Dunno the brand, and can't really describe it, other than its female. Definitely female. So the only way a guy's gonna get it is a bad prank or close physical contact with a woman.

So by this time, I've pretty much established he's got a girlfriend. Classic symptoms, and I'm inclined to say long term. Never thought he were _married _though. And, not gonna lie, I hadn't got him down as the bad-girl type. I was finking someone kinda Disney princess like.

I had started to bully for information. Teasing, joking, threats, hints, straight out questions, assumptions, and it were like talking to a brick wall. There are other ways of getting information though, and one of the fings I notice is that when _she's_ around the TARDIS makes different noises. Nicer noises. _Less _noises.

So the next time I hear _less _noises, I'm outta me shower like a shot, shampoo and all. Casually fall down the stairs (as yer do) coz me feet are wet, and when I come back round I can see the TARDIS ceiling, the Doctor and a woman. Mission accomplished.

And the Doctor's all very awkward, coz I've just knocked meself out in nuffin but a towel, and I've caught him and his squeeze who I was never menna meet. And guess what the reason was. It was coz he were scared. Ain't that pathetic! He were scared that if me and her ever met it would be terrible _for him_. The only two people he never wanted her to meet were me and some guy called Jack. (and _I'm_ not allowed to meet him either)

Dunno why though. Me and her? We get along like a house on fire.

**Claudia went on to have many more adventures with the Doctor, before settling down with a well-to-do New York barrister, much to the surprise of her family. She never met Jack, much to her disappointment, but made up for it by making sure to give the Doctor merry hell every time they met River. Towards River herself, Claudia felt a kind of sisterly bond, which River reciprocated. As for the Doctor – he never felt any guilt in trying to keep the two women apart. If anything, he always felt fully justified.**


	6. Simone Lawson

**Simone Lawson**

Technically, I met River Song first. She was on my landing when I awoke that morning, keeping a look out whilst the Doctor was going through Daddy's study looking for some space what-not. Naturally, I wasn't too happy about the whole being-burgled thing, and there was a rather unfortunate incident with Tabitha-Catherine and a lacrosse stick. I was trying to defend myself! I'd left my i-phone in the parlour you see, otherwise I would have called for assistance. The Doctor checked Tabitha-Catherine later when the whole thing had been sorted out, and said he was sure there was nothing the vet couldn't handle. I told him we had the very best so I was certain too.

Daddy had already gone to the office that morning, so Charlotte (she's the maid), Tabitha-Catherine and I were, supposedly, the only ones in the house. Charlotte knows not to wake me on Saturdays so she was downstairs cleaning. I had showered and dressed, and was thinking of going shopping with Victoria because Christian Dior were having a sale. When I opened the door I found the woman hissing into a communicator. Apparently 'it was time to go'.

So okay I panicked. I grabbed the lacrosse stick. You may ask why I had a lacrosse stick to hand. Daddy had told me that I needed to clear out anything I didn't want any more, to donate to the Earthquake appeal. They are in dreadful need of high quality goods, he says. This is why there were several boxes of last season's clothes, my old i-phone, my first wii and several other things that I don't use anymore sitting outside my bedroom. When I was fourteen, Joseph Winterborn watched the girls' lacrosse matches, so I joined the lacrosse team. Unfortunately, I drew attention to myself for all the wrong reasons and so changed to yoga. Yoga is good for the mind as well as the body, not to mention one's self-respect.

Speaking of self-respect, River lost any good impression she might have had when I started crying after Tabitha-Catherine fell down the stairs. I think she said something about backbone, but I couldn't quite hear her through my sniffing. In hindsight, I can see that I may have slightly over-reacted. Tabitha-Catherine only slipped down five steps, though it wasn't her fault. The darling's just highly excitable. All spaniels are.

River was very comforting however, and suggested that we went and had some tea to calm us down. I did point out that it was highly irregular to sit down for tea with someone who's robbing your house, and that I only drink coffee, but somehow we ended up sitting at the breakfast bar with a fresh pot of filter coffee. I can't stand that disgusting instant stuff.

Apparently the Doctor was looking for some ancient holy artefact of the Martians that Papa had somehow managed to acquire. If it wasn't returned within a galactic week, Earth would have entered its first extra-terrestrial war three centuries early. I won't say I believed her straightaway, but she had a gun. I wasn't inclined to argue.

The Doctor was eventually found by Charlotte, who needed quite a bit of calming down as I had neglected to inform her of our guests. She has a bit more backbone than I (household staff always do. I think it's in the job description). She managed to throw a paperweight at his head and get to the phone. The only reason the police didn't arrive was because the Doctor soniced it first. This was the point at which I assisted him in locating the missing artefact.

And the rest, they say, is history. I met the Martians, apologised graciously, and went to Milan with River. She knew a darling woman who could get us front row seats. I have no idea what the Doctor did. From that point onwards I travelled with the Doctor. It was River's idea you know. She seemed to think it would do me the world of good. Looking back, I must say I agree.

**I feel I ought to mention that Simone has been rather generous in her account of things, and that there was considerably more screaming, crying, rude language and incredulity from Simone than she gives herself credit for. After her travels with the Doctor, she was transformed, I'm glad to say, into a well-informed, caring young woman who went on to use her privileged financial assets to greatly improve the lives of others. She never forgot what River had done for her, and a great part of Simone's legacy went into the Song Trust, which rewarded and sponsored inspiring young women and their respective projects, in honour of the woman who had given Simone the first push to be just that.**


	7. Chenyi Li

**Chenyi Li**

Hi um, my name is Chenyi. The day that I met River was, well, you see Mum had gone to buy some new goats and um… well… actually maybe I should explain? Yes, that would be better I think.

Ah, right. You see, my parents bought over the city farm from some friends when I was three or something, so I basically grew up on the farm. My parents had no idea how to run a farm, so I think the first few years were a real learning curve for them. They worked it out in the end, and after twenty years they really had a nice little business going. My brothers and I helped out a lot of the time, though Dad was very strict about our studies. Mum's a bit more relaxed about it. The farm was her idea – her baby. Although she had never lived on a farm, she did grow up in the Derbyshire countryside. I think she had always dreamed of marrying a farmer. I don't really understand how Mum and Dad ever got together. He's a big city accountant and they are as mismatched as socks and sandals. But it seems to work for them, I guess.

So uh, anyway, about a week before the Doctor stole our tractor, Mum was going to buy some new goats for the petting zoo. One of the farm's main sources of income is the petting zoo. We, like, get all the primary schools visiting and that. There's also the farm shop and café, which does quite well, and then obviously after that there's the animals we sell at market. That's mainly chickens, because we don't have room for anything big like, um I dunno… cows? I've never really liked cows. They stare at you all the time. Have you noticed? You can never tell what they are thinking. The pigs are much friendlier, just a bit grumpy, but you get over that.

Uh, what was I saying? Oh yeah! Goats. Well, not goats. Mum was meant to get goats, but instead she came back with two alpacas. Alpacas are social animals, so you can't have only one. They are a bit like llamas, but more sheep-like. I guess I like to think that a llama is, like, in-between a camel and an alpaca, and an alpaca is between a sheep and a llama. I don't know if all alpacas have curly coats, but our two did, so it looked like a bit of poodle had been thrown in as well.

The smaller one was black. She was highly excitable for an alpaca. She was constantly bleating and twisting her head round to get a better look at all the other animals. The bigger one – the brown one- was much more sedate. I was like, 'you are the mature one eh?' If an alpaca can pull a 'meh' face, she was pulling it. I swear she even rolled her eyes a couple times, but I don't think it has the same meaning in alpaca as in human.

But it was weird, right, because it wasn't the black one that constantly followed me around every time I entered the sheep enclosure (which was where the alpaca's were living too). Have you seen that Pixar short, '_Boudin''_? Well you know how at the end there's the lamb happily bounding round and round with ceaseless energy? Well that was Sheila. Oh! Uh, we had a children's competition to name them, and the black one was called Sheila. The brown one was called Daisy.

So, er, yeah. Daisy followed me. No one else. Just me. For a week. It was quite sweet actually.

Then, on the Monday were having one of the big open days we call 'Fun on the Farm' days. We have loads of extra activities going on. It was the August bank holiday, and that's usually our busiest day of the year. Although, spring bank holiday _can_ be pretty mental, because everyone comes to see the lambs and piglets and chicks - you know, the baby animals. So, um, anyway, I was at the sheep enclosure, telling everyone about our new alpacas. They're from South America you know. Then Daisy started going crazy. She was worse than Sheila, because Sheila had never actually like jumped the fence.

I started running after her, yelling her name – DAAISEEEEEE – like that. She was running straight towards the road, where my brother was running tractor rides. We just have a small one for pulling trailers and stuff. I'd painted it green a month before. It used to be this really horrible brown colour. Yeah anyway, the Doctor was on the tractor, but he had done something to it all technological, because it was going down the road well over its maximum speed. My brother was yelling at him to come back but he wasn't listening. Daisy was still jumping fences, so I was having a lot of problems catching her.

The next few seconds were like in slow motion. I had skidded round the corner out of the gate dodging people, but I was still twenty metres away from Daisy. She was going at monster pace, and took this whopping leap over the last fence into the road. She had timed it just right to intercept the Doctor on the tractor. He made the most peculiar noise when an alpaca landed on top of him.

Somehow no one got injured, which is a miracle. The tractor was fine; just a few scratches. I was trying to restrain a crazy alpaca that would not shut up, when the Doctor stopped me. He can speak alpaca you know. From his face, it would seem that alpacas have quite a bit to say. I sometimes wondered if animals could talk, would they have interesting conversation? I don't think sheep would, do you? Pigs would be okay, if they were in the mood. I think Polly the pony would be very silly. She would talk much and say little, as Mum would say.

Oh, er sorry. The TARDIS wasn't that far away. Outside of it was a very elaborate contraption. It was about a storey high and seemed to be made up of white goods. On the top it had a lava lamp that was not on, and some bent coat hangers with apples on bits of string attached like… what are they called? Those things babies have over their cots? Oh! I know! A mobile! Yes, he had an apple mobile up there as well. The Doctor said was nearly finished; he just had to add the engine. He apologised to Daisy, and promised it wouldn't take long, which I thought was very odd. He then lifted the bonnet of the tractor and attached some wires inside that were connected to his thing. The lava lamp came on, the apple mobile started swinging around, and all the white goods started humming and whirring. When he was happy everything was working properly he took us inside the TARDIS.

It was amazing, but I guess you know that right? And he was talking to Daisy and was saying…now wait a minute, ah! He said "Really River. You should know better than to rub any old vase that you dig up without checking where it's from first." Daisy started bleating away in quite an angry tone of bleat. He then put some kind of helmet on Daisy, and um, pulled a lever I guess. There was a flash of light and quite a bit of purple glowing, and instead of Daisy there was the lady called River Song. I didn't know that then though, obviously. She was just a random woman, but her hair was the same as Daisy's coat. Then, um, well… I can't really remember. It's a bit of a blur. I do know that Mum got another alpaca to keep Sheila company, but I don't think she ever found out what happened to Daisy.

**Chenyi became more assertive during her travels with the Doctor, but was still chronically ditzy. She became a world famous concert pianist in the 36****th**** century when she left him. Her parent's city farm was very successful, and Chenyi often came back to visit. The Doctor and Chenyi (well, mainly the Doctor) used to tease River by calling her Daisy, and many other alpaca related puns, none of which poor River ever understood, due to that timey-wimey relationship they've got going on.**


	8. Annabella Burns

**Annabelle Burns – is a lass from Northern Ireland. She had such a beautiful accent that I listened to her transcript twice as many times as any of the others**. **These events occurred four days into Annie's residence on the good ship TARDIS.**

My thoughts were focussed on one ting and one ting only. The life of a small planet depended on it. The blue lever in front of the keyboard.

Me pa should've seen me then. All those years o' him telling me that I should do more sports, and I'd just run the four minute mile. He wouldn't have believed his sorry ol' eyes, and not least 'cause there were half a dozen blue sword-wielding aliens pursuing me.

But I was not distracted. I was not diverted. If I was afraid I didn't know it. The Doctor, as he was being strapped to that sacrificial, multipurpose piano stool, had entrusted me with the task of pulling the blue lever in front of the keyboard within eleven minutes. That was how long the overture was, and how long he had before he became very well acquainted with an organ grinder.

So I pulled the blue lever in front of the keyboard. I didn't know what it was meant to do, but as I stood there desperately trying t' keep my breakfast in ma belly, I betted our Aunt Norah's cat that it wasn't meant to do what it had done.

The whole console room was a-shaking all over the place, and by the sounds the TARDIS was making she didn't feel much better than I did. I got a fright of my life when I heard River talking. I weren't expectin' anyone you see, and I didn't know who she was. My first thought was that it was our Moira, because she spent half her life with a face mask slapped on n' a towel wrapped round her noggin. Looks were dreadful important to her. She worked in a salon down the high street, but I never cared much for it all meself. She did do ma hair up for free for the leaver's ball though, and it looked very nice. My pa didn't even recognise me when my make-up were all finished too.

It obviously wasn't our Moira standing in the TARDIS, but I made sure to tell this woman I was no-one's 'sweetie' unless they wanted a sweet kiss from my fist. The TARDIS was still playing washing machine, so I soon found myself becoming reacquainted with the floor, though luckily not my breakfast.

She asked me what I had been trying to do, so I told her. Well, I told was meant to happen – some signal-beam thingy that would save the Doctor and therefore the planet, but only if it happened in the next five and a half minutes.

She then disappeared under the platform. Apparently the blue lever **should** have worked, even though it clearly didn't. She then started a very Doctor-esk commentary about wiring and her pa. If you want the details you'll have to dig around in the TARDIS for that, because I sure didn't follow it. I don't do any of that stuff. The best engineering I can manage is changing batteries.

"_Crikey, this wiring is almost as bad as dad's … … … … …This __**is **__Dad's wiring! Only he would ever plug cinnabar couplings into a skart socket. The skart plug itself seems to be pretending it's a Christmas tree decoration." – Courtesy of the TARDIS records_

The important thing was that the woman stopped all sensations of feeling like one was inside Michael Flatley's stomach, which was a blessed relief I can tell you. She told me I should pull the lever again. She also knew my name which confused me a bit, though I know with hindsight about that whole backward relationship thing. It screws my head around too much to really think about it.

The wonderful woman even fixed the telly in the process. The TARDIS has zillions of channels - it boggles the mind. The Doctor made sure to put the parental controls on though, after I found myself watching an episode of time-team digging up Madame Tussaudes. Elvis weren't looking too great by then, believe me.

So the Doctor was saved from musical disembowelment. When he eventually showed up back in the TARDIS he got a full dressing down from River about his wiring. She reminded me even more of our Moira then, because I usually saw our Moira in her face mask and towel when she'd come downstairs to scream at our Jack for using up all the hot water during his shower after footie practice. She never called Jack 'sweetie' though. It turns out that River is very picky about wiring though. The Doctor whispered later that it was one of her pet hates. Who'd have thought it? I'd best never let her into the cupboard under our stairs though. I don't think that half the wires are even connected to anything; they're just there to confuse any one stupid enough to enter. They are most certainly in breach of EU health and safety laws, and **definatly** a fire hazard, though my pa won't admit it.

River stayed with us for a few days before the Doctor took her back to prison. No wonder she escapes so often – that place is bleak. I visited our cousin Thomas' flat share in the city once, and I thought **that** was bleak. They grew cheese on their bathroom wall, and going by the smell smoked it too. I told him that his pa's cell was probably nicer than that. But then our Thomas has never been quite right.

Yep, so that's it. I liked River. She always managed to deflate the Doctor's head a bit if it ever swelled up too much, and she introduced me to my Davey and all, which I can't begrudge her.

**Annie and Davey met at a cocktail party on board the HMS Britannia. It is unclear how much foreknowledge River possessed, but sources indicate she had quite a bit. Davey and Annie settled in Annie's childhood home, whose wiring had only worsened during Annie's time away. River, upon it's discovery, spent a solid eight hours sorting it out. Annie and Davey lived well into old age but were unable to have children. Instead, they took up fostering, and were foster parents to over fifty children across their lifetimes.**


End file.
